


35 letters

by ohmythaiboys



Category: Real Person Fiction, TayGun - Fandom, offgun, ทฤษฎีจีบเธอ | Theory of Love (TV), ทฤษฎีจีบเธอ | Theory of Love (TV) RPF, รุ่นพี่ Secret Love | Senior Secret Love (TV), รุ่นพี่ Secret Love | Senior Secret Love (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26658874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmythaiboys/pseuds/ohmythaiboys
Summary: He loved him back, but he was too late.
Relationships: Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat/Tay Tawan Vihokratana, Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn/Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat
Kudos: 15





	35 letters

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing angst so sorry in advance 🤧

_35 letters_

_“It’s been three years,”_ Gun said while inhaling the scent of the country where he grew up in, Thailand. Three years in America has been tough for him. He wasn’t really used to speaking English and the only people he knew back then were Pim, his sister, and Tay, his best friend.

The man beside him wrapped his arm around his shoulders. _“It feels so good to be back, love.”_ The man looked at him and smiled.

Gun smiled back. _“Feels good to be finally home with you, Tay”_

_“Let’s go, I’m hungry,”_ Pim complained. _“Can you not act lovey dovey? It’s gross,”_ Pim whispered to Gun.

_“I heard that,”_ Tay said.

All of them laughed.

_“Let’s eat at the place where we usually eat back in college”_

Gun didn’t want to go. As much as possible, he wanted to stay away from the university. It brings back his painful past that he can’t seem to forget.

He paused for a while before answering. _“Okay.”_

It’s already 1:00 in the afternoon when they reached the university. Out of all the places, why would Tay want to go here? He’s been a witness of how stupid he was back in college.

“ _Why here?,”_ he can’t help but to ask Tay.

_“It feels nostalgic.”_

Gun couldn’t bring to say that it doesn’t feel nostalgic at all. It feels painful. But Tay would be hurt if he learned that he’s still haunted by his past.

Tay literally helped him to start again. It would be rude to mention someone who he already buried in the past.

_“You remember our friend, Off?”_

Gun was taken aback. He was literally frozen in his place. _“W-What?”_

_“Off, our friend.”_

_“Ah yes, Off. What about him?”_

_“Are you ready to see him again?”_

His heart was beating loudly, it almost felt like it’s gonna pop out of his chest. _“Why would I see him again?”_ He tried his best to act calm, like he doesn’t care one bit about Off, but the pain in his eyes show. And to Tay, he could never hide it. He could see right through Gun. Tay just knows him so well.

_“Let’s meet him,”_ Tay suggested.

_“Why? It’s not like we’re still friends”_

_“You need to know something, Gun.”_

**

Off’s eyes are closed as he savors the wind from the window pane. It’s warm. _“I wonder how long can I still feel this warmth.”_ He tried to laugh it off but instead he coughed. _“Oi, my body’s giving up already?”_

For about a month, he’s been talking to himself. No one ever visited him. He never let anyone know about his situation except Gun. In a letter that he sent him, although he thinks he’ll never read it, he sent it anyway.

_“O-Off?”_

He knew that voice. He wanted to cry. He weakly turned his head to where the voice was coming from.

_“Gun,”_ he tried his best to smile even if he wants to cry so bad. _“W-Why are you here?”_

Gun looked at Tay, like asking permission if he can come closer to Off. Tay nodded.

His steps were little. Not because of his height, but because he was nervous. What should he say? He’s not prepared for this. This was not part of the plan.

The plan was to go back in Thailand and to marry Tay but why was Off suddenly in the picture?

Gun balled his hand into a fist and lightly punched Off’s shoulder. _“Why didn’t you take care of yourself?”_

_“What’s the point?,”_ Off smiled weakly. _“I deserve this.”_ Off looked away, feeling so weak.

**

Flashback

_“I bought you dinner,”_ Off said while raising the paper bag and putting it in between them.

_“How much?,”_ Gun asked while opening his wallet

Off fished Gun’s wallet and placed it away. _“It’s my treat”_

Gun furrowed his eyebrow. _“Whatever. Where’s Tay?”_

_“I told him we can do this alone”_

_“ALAIWA?! As if you’ll help me”_

_“I’ll give you my love”_

Gun was taken aback. He was blushing real hard but he looked away. _“Gross”_

Graduation day.

Gun was skipping happily, holding the camera he borrowed from Tay. He wanted to take a picture with Off, his crush for four years. He was about to take a turn when he heard someone spoke in the alleyway.

_“Maybe we can do it next week,”_ Off winked at the girl in front of her.

_“We can just do it now while no one’s watching.”_ The girl tried to unbuckle Off’s belt.

Out of shock, Gun dropped the camera. The sound made both Off and the girl turn to his direction. He quickly ran away when he met Off’s eyes.

_“Gun,”_ Off held Gun’s wrist.

Gun didn’t bother to turn. He was crying and he couldn’t stop his tears. _“Go back to her, I’m sorry I saw that”_

Off held his wrist tighter that made Gun flinch, _“Aw!”_ But he didn’t let go of Gun. _“I’m sorry.”_

Gun removed his hand fiercely and faced him. “You knew, right?”

Off nodded slowly. _“I-I’m sorry”_

_“No, Off. You could’ve just said that you don’t like me even a bit instead of making me feel that we had a chance. What the fuck’s wrong with you?”_ He pushed him away from him.

_“Sorry? Sorry you don’t like me? No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being stupid. I’m sorry for loving you”_

_“Gun—“_

_“I should’ve known. Everything you did for me was for me to help you pass your subjects. Who am I anyway? I didn’t stand a chance from the very beginning”_

_“Gun, I don’t want to hurt you”_

_“But you already did.”_ Gun paused. _“But it was my fault. My fault for loving someone I can’t have”_

**

_“You’re a jerk but I won’t say you deserve this.”_

Off smiled. A tear escaped from his eye. _“I’m so happy….I get to meet you for the last time.”_ Off’s vision slowly got blurry.

Little by little, until it’s all black. Off’s eyes are completely closed.

_“NO NO”_

Gun shook him aggressively.

Tay alerted the hospital staff. Maybe there’s a chance. Maybe they can still save him.

Suddenly, Gun couldn’t hear a thing. He was trembling uncontrollably and crying so hard. He sat down on the floor. He felt numb, his gaze fixated on the floor.

The tears kept on flowing from his soulless eyes. He slapped his face hard. _“Somebody, wake me up!!”_

Tay hugged him and patted his head. He was also trying his best to not cry but it’s hard. Off was also his best friend. And although he’s mad at him for hurting Gun so much, he still has a special place in his heart. After all, they’ve been friends since high school.

It was a shame that they both liked the same guy.

_“Time of death: 14:35”_

**

40 days later.

Gun lit a candle outside his house and looked up to the sky. He sighed. _“It’s been 40 days, Off”_

A hand holding a small metal box appeared in front of him. It was Pim’s. Tay was standing beside her.

_“Three years ago, Off started giving you letters once a month. When I told you about it, you told me that you don’t wanna read or hear anything from Off. But I kept these letters.”_ She looked at Tay

_“I accidentally read one of those. I saw it in the mailbox. It was…the last one.”_

Gun caressed the box. _“I’m sorry.”_

Tay and Pim hugged him. _“Open it when you’re ready,”_ Tay said before leaving him.

He took a deep breath before opening the box. _“Here goes nothing”_

**1.**

_Dear Gun,_

_You like letters a lot, right? I still think it’s corny but whatever. I’m sorry, Gun. You can hate me all you want but can you just take it all out on me? I’d rather have you hate me but still see you at the same time. Pls come back soon_

_Off_

**2.**

_Dear Gun,_

_I can’t believe it’s just 2 months since you left. It feels like an eternity. It’s so weird to not have you around. I’m sorry, Gun. Really. I’m gonna change. Just pls come back._

_Off_

**3.**

_Dear Gun,_

_Happy birthday. I miss you like crazy. I’m sorry. I should’ve realized this sooner but I’m nothing without you, Gun. I feel so lost. When I said I don’t want to hurt you, it’s not because I don’t like you, but it’s because I’m confused of my own feelings and I’m afraid that if I suddenly jump into a relationship with you without fully realizing my own feelings, it will hurt you if I suddenly want to back out. But now I’m sure. I like you, Gun_

_Off_

Gun was far from over from all the letters but he was already crying. _“You liked me too? What the hell? Why did you just say it now? I mean— I’m stupid”_

He continued crying like a mad man while reading the rest of the letters.

**15.**

_Dear Gun,_

_Oct 4, it’s my 2 nd time writing a letter for your birthday. Happy birthday! I wish I could spend it with you just like the old days. I miss you so much. When will you come back?_

_I love you. So much._

_Off_

It was the first time Off said it. He never heard him say it to anyone when he was alive. Not even at the girls he dated. Off thinks that the word love is so heavy and he just wouldn’t say it to anyone. He was shocked. _“Love? Are you serious, Off?”_ He laughed through the pain.

**25.**

_Dear Gun,_

_I feel weak. I don’t know why I’m coughing up blood but no worries! I’m ready whenever. I just want to say that I love you again, and I’m sorry._

_And I miss you! Come back na kha~_

_Off_

**26.**

_It’s getting worse. I don’t know what’s happening. Keep this a secret, ok? You’re the only one who knows. Tho I know you’re not reading them but still…it feels good to tell someone about…my situation??_

_I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you, always_

_Off_

**27.**

_Dear Gun,_

_I’ve accepted my fate. The doctor told me that it’s cancer. Yikes. He said I could possibly live for about 8 months. The tumor in my lung has grown for about 8 cm, he said. Not that I care, but if possible, my last wish is to see the only person that I’ve loved in this lifetime. Come see me, Gun. Please. Take this as my dying wish._

_I love you._

_Off_

**35.**

_Dear Gun,_

_It’s a miracle that I’m still alive. I decided to prolong my life even just for a month. For a month, I’ll stay here and maybe drink my meds? I don’t know if that’ll still work. I feel very weak already but I won’t give up, not until I see you. I’ll give you one last chance to visit me. Please do._

_I love you._

_I will continue loving you until the end._

_Off_

Gun looked up to the sky, his eyes swollen. _“I love you. It has always been you, Off”_

Tay felt a pang on his chest upon hearing those words. He’s been standing beside the wall of Gun’s house and carefully watching Gun.

_“It’s not like I thought I had a chance,”_ he whispered to himself while smiling bitterly.

He rested his back on the wall and looked up to the sky. _“You won again. I hate you, Off”_

Tay removed the ring on his right finger. It was their promise ring. _“I guess it’s time to wake up from the dream.”_

Tay took one last loving glance at Gun. _“Goodbye, Gun”_


End file.
